The Dream

It was a gathering, a meeting of sorts. We were inside the living room of a house - the setting very much like the living room of my family house. I was seated in the dining section, chair half-turned to a position which enabled me to see the only access door as well as other people the room seated in the reception area - people, whose identites, I coud not make out. Somehow, I felt like I was not meant to be a part of the group; that I was a mere observer, on the outside looking in.
You walked in carrying a tray, probably to serve something to the people gathered around. What was on the tray, I cannot tell. What followed is the mystery. Some guy stopped you right after you stepped in and you exchanged pleasantries. Apparently you were both well acquainted. Then you shared a hug and he made an attempt to kiss you, I thought I saw you try to resisting... at this point, things were a bit fuzzy.

Enter the next frame and you were on your back on a sofa, he was on top of you grappling, still struggling, it seemed, to get that kiss. There was nobody else in the room but me, yet somehow it felt like I was not actually there. I was still seated, frozen, stuck in a trance staring at it all; didn't move, couldn't even breathe. Then some obstacle got into my line of sight and blocked my view off completely, so I couldn't see anymore. I looked up and was staring into the face of your brother. By the time I got a clear view again, you were back on your feet, the tray you were carrying was nowhere, nothing was spilled, destroyed or out of place. You were in tears, yelling at the guy while pointing in what I thought to be my direction and saying, "my boyfriend is over there…"
Then you stormed out sobbing, the guy was there for a couple of seconds addressing the other unidentified, still entities in the room, as though in defense. "But she wanted it...", is all I could hear. Then he went out the door too. At this point, I snapped out of whatever vise that had held me and went after him, you, the both of you... I am not sure. I turned the corner by the side of the house, you were not there but he was. Curiously, my elder brother and two close friends I could identify (even in the dream), were seated in a car outside. Calmly, I approached the fella, extended my hand to him which he took and while still locked in the shake, I said to him, "abeg free her, na my girl..." I cannot tell if replied or not, I did not hear any but he left me standing there, rounded the corner and entered a car. Again another grey spot; it was unclear if he entered a different car or sat at the back seat of the one my brother and pals were in, but what was clear was he did not leave that vicinity immediately. All this while, you were still nowhere in sight. So, I signaled my bro and pals, they came and I narrated to them all that had transpired. It seemed I was very bitter about the whole incident despite my calm disposition while confronting the guy because apparently I suggested that we; myself, bro and pals gang-up and accost the guy again. My brother seemed to be in opposition, because he said, "I dey see two of dem since. Dem dey go up and down here na..."
At this point, I woke up.

Alone!

I sat alone directly across to the young couple, so I was forced to view the spectacle that ensured I was 'mentally tortured' all through the evening.
They clung close and whispered what I imagined to be sweet, endearing words to each other. No use maintaining such proximity if they were going to be spilling vitriol all over themselves. They pecked, kissed, giggled playfully and kissed some more while taking turns to give each other sips of Pina-Colada. All this was only adding to the already pent-up irritation I was feeling. At a time, I was beginning to get the impression they were delighting at my discomfort and putting on this show specifically for that reason. The thought only served to further heighten my irk; silently I prayed for any form of distraction, anyone or anything that would take me away from there and out of my misery but fate seemed to be conspiring against me and none came forth.

Just as I was getting to the point where I could not bear it any longer, the young man got to his feet and lovingly took his lady’s hand, she got on her feet and wrapped her arm around his waist. A pair of matching smiles and happily dancing eyes that could light up a dark room greeted me as they silently mouthed their good nights and made their way to the exit, their radiant buzz of joy all too evident for everyone to see.
The relief I had anticipated would come upon their departure never came. Instead there was a deep gnawing inside of me. My eyes settled on the empty space in front of me that they had just vacated and suddenly the room felt larger and I, as tiny as a speck of dust. There and then, I felt it… I felt alone!

The Birthday Message...

It was just past midnight and I'd been roused by the alarm on my mobile phone. I didn't need to read the notice on the reminder; it had been there for years. Even when the phone type and model changed, neither the date nor alarm tone was altered. So also the overwhelming mixed feelings that accompany the chimes.

Once upon a time, this used to be a very special day... and it still is; but now in a vaguer, indistinguishable sense which is neither here nor there and yet, somehow, here and then. 
Sweet memories still linger aplenty but then, so are sadder ones, way fresher and glistening clear like waters of a natural spring.
Though we are hardly on friendly terms anymore, I still had to send her the customary message. Old habits die hard and when they become tradition, even harder. So I opened up a new text message page and stared at it without seeing anything. My brain worked away ceaselessly, churning out words that ended on the tips of fingers which were just frozen on the tiny keypad.

My heart wanted the message to echo the wail I'd held inside for so long. She so dearly wanted for me to let her speak; perhaps I would once again reach out to those depths you had said no one had ever come close to until I broke down those walls with a Rose, a Kiss and three words. She wanted you to see my tears in the words. To see a man; mere mortal… frail, fallible but in love!
But my head would have none of it!
He delved deep into the annals of my memory banks for hard proof. Replaying incidents, scenarios from the past, dissecting every detail with the aloof precision of a practiced surgeon. Step by step; applying the laws of logic, “analytics” and reasoning to will that “sentimental cloud” which was slowing creeping up my pectus.

In the end, with these marauding thoughts still brothing inside, my shaky fingers, off their own accord, somehow managed to print out a curt, terse, unrevealing "happy birthday" on the screen and hit "send"!

Strangers... Friends... Lovers

I alighted from the bus at the bus-stop which was about twenty-five meters from my street. I did not have to because there was another stop only a few meters to my street, but it had become a habit of sorts and the little stroll in the evening helped to calm my nerves after a hard day's work, followed by the hustle and bustle of Lagos traffic.
I was only an I.T stude...nt at one of the large O&G marketing firms situated in Marina owned by a well-known mogul who ran his vast business empire with a tight, iron fist. So it did not really matter if you were a "mere intern", everyone had to abide by the rules to the letter and it was not an easy especially for a novice as myself.

At the point of passing the junction of the street before and running parallel to mine, I turned my gaze westward to observe the going-ons in my immediate vicinity and caught a faint feminine outline in the distance against the backdrop of the darkening sky. Whilst this wasn't
one of those striking, ultra-curvaceous sights that a man beholds and momentarily takes leave of his sanity, but it was just appropriate enough to ensure I was not mistaking the gender of the owner.
For reasons, I could not fathom, I felt a pull towards that figure; some sort of attracting force drew me to her and even though I could not see put a face to her because she was walking away from me, my heart told me, "there is a rare gem, right there!". The grace with which she moved, the hem of her gown dancing around her ankles, the imperious set of her shoulders and the 'bun' of hair bouncing jauntily atop her head against the wind like a bejewelled crown were glorious to behold and in that instant, I just fell in love. It would have torn my heart in two if I had let walk away without knowing the identity of this "mystery", I would have died a little inside if I did not behold that beauty that I could not see but yet fellt so strongly.

Without a thought, I swiftly changed course and hastened to catch up with her, I did not make it. She stopped just when I was a few feet shy and entered a compound that had a little kiosk inside. I hesitated, not knowing whether to go in or wait outside; in the end I followed suit. She stood at the counter waiting, hands akimbo, looking like a queen in the in spite of the filth and grime around while the genteel old lady that minded the shop went to get kerosine for her.
With no script or though-out plan in hand, it was an awkward few seconds, after which, I managed a weak smile and shaky "hello" and politely introduced myself. She smiled back and replied with a very assured "hi", her voice a sweet melody to my ears. Relief coarsed through me like a tidal wave and from then on everything else became a blur. She was a really quiet, reserved individual but for some reason she did not mind talking to me (or rather, responding to my questions). As though she had known I would come and had been waiting. We spoke for a couple of minutes as I escorted her back to the gate of her compound then took my leave, making certain I thanked her for giving me audience; adding a slight, courteous bow and gracious smile for good measure.

Till date, I cannot recall a word that was said that evening but I felt magical; like I had just been in my own fairy-tale. The rest of that day was spent with a huge grin on my face and an even bigger one in my heart. The following day, I took a chance and made certain I was on that same path around that time I'd seen her the previous day and it seemed as though fate wanted us to meet again because she was there, standing by her gate in full majesty.

Days after that, we would meet at her gate and take lengthy strolls as the sun begins to rest in the bosom of the clouds. Nothing was said, no verbal agreement reached; our hearts lead and we followed... and so it was, that from total strangers in a sea of everyday faces, we became friends and then, lovers.

Message to my grieving heart...

Sometimes when the options in front of you have dwindled to nothingness, there's not an awful lot a man can do but save face and try bite the dust with some grace. No matter how excruciating, you have to face the music...swallow the bitter pill, take out the sore tooth without the cushion of analgesics...and yes, if your feelings are true enough and the pain runs deeper than the superficial, deep enough it touches the very core of your heart; find a corner where you can lay your head, along with it your pride and cry!

Suddenly everything is enshrouded in uncertainty. She doesn't call, text or ping you anymore...and appears to be drifting out of your life, out of your world. She avoids your company and is reluctant to speak, listen or respond to your presence. In fact, all general forms of acknowledgement lessen by the day, as though you do not exist and if you did, you simply did not matter anymore, at least not in her world. These, my friend, are the signs that tell your time is nigh!
You may desperately want to hold on - cling on to straws, as would any drowning being. Fight that sinking feeling in your gut with every bit of strength your ol' battered heart can muster. Pray, save your breathe son...not all battles are to be fought, not all wars are meant to be won.
My tuppence, take the cue, hit the road and live to fight another day.
Beware of the old enemy - that which brings momentary calm, a false sense of relief, hope, sometimes even promise...it usually comes in the form of a smile, "hello", some brief obscure conversation or kind gesture, borne more out of courtesy than feelings once held...they'll set your pulse racing again, offering the faint impression of a glimmer of hope. Tricks, mirages, illusions thats all they are - devises that will pull you back, sink you further into the dark pits of depression just at the moments when you are about to find your feet; about to strengthen your resolve, at the very verge of the initial steps onto the path of recovery.
Make not the mistake to think them a change in your fortunes...fall not into the trap of having your hopes unduly raised for soon enough they will be dashed when the uncertainty returns and once again, your heart is embroiled in inexplicable turmoil, which is only just prelude to a heart-shattering finale. See them only for what they are - attempts to thrust that dagger in deeper, so when the time comes to remove, it hurts the more and the wound takes even longer to heal.

Many will advice you to hang on in there...they'll tell you that persistence eventually pays. But persistence pays in ONE of TWO ways only; and it just might not be the fee you wanted.
Take it from an old, seasoned gambling hand. Hard as it is to accept, there is no use hanging around where you are not wanted whilst a vast world is out there for you to explore.
Chalk it as loss...chin up...move on!

One moment in time...

Seems eons now, the evening I will never forget...that magic moment, when we locked in embrace for an ostensive eternity. A beautiful quiet settled in and around us. Complete repose, immersed in the turbulence of the world outside the window yet somehow far removed from it.
The feel of your lips on my cheek, the gentle pressure of your fingernails digging into the flesh at the nape of my neck, foreheads fused almost as one - siamese - the union sweet, pure, incontrovertible.
We swayed slowly to a rhythm only our hearts could play, one only our hearts heard.
How I long to re-live it all again...your fragrance filling my nostrils, lush strands of your hair caressing face, our bodies merged in sync, bliss, perfect harmony.
In that instant, that one moment in time...I knew, how it felt to love and be loved. If ever I am to have this experience again, share this moment with someone for a lifetime, it'd be with no one else but you!

My Dream Woman...

Over the years, I have carried around in my head, images and descriptions of the features I desire in my ‘dream woman’ - the woman I would meet, fall in love and ultimately spend the rest of what’s left of my entire life with. Height, shape, skin tone, color, texture, gait, voice, smile, tribe, intellect level et al
With some luck, I have been opportune to meet quite a number of ladies who, more or less, fit the bill but somehow it just never worked out as I envisioned and most times, I wound up hurt, depressed, angry, frustrated…the sole inquisitor motivated by grief after the relationship is canned and everybody else has walked away.
Whether it was inexperience, immaturity, innocent ignorance and (or) just plain stupidity, I am sure I will someday be able to tell; but now, it has brought me to the realization that all the while, in all those years, I didn’t have an inkling of who I was as an individual, what I really wanted from my ‘dream woman’ and the ‘perfect’ relationship I craved. Now I know!
My ‘dream woman’ as I see her now doesn’t have any discernible features; face, figure, color, demeanor or bearing. She doesn’t speak any particular language or originate from any identifiable tribe, race or social class. I have no idea if she is literate, disabled or sane. She is no angel or demon and has no behavior, mannerisms or norms – good, bad or ugly. She is just ‘she’ – a woman like every other, yet her own!
My ‘dream woman’ understands and loves me for who I am; and is not afraid or ashamed to tell it to me or anyone else who cares to know. She is patient enough to wait for me, wise enough to give me room, strong enough to stand by and with me through thick and thin, independent enough to live when am not there, yet bold enough to walk away if it will save our lives, preserve our sanity…and I think I’ve finally found that ‘dream woman’ in you!

Making a case for St. Valentine

The origin of Valentine’s Day is as uncertain as any of the other mysteries of this wonderfully fascinating world we inhabit. I (as am sure many others too) have read far and wide to find something, anything that can shed some light on the ancestry of this craze that ripples through globe in the middle of the second month of every Julian calendar year...and my word, there are quite some fantastic albeit apocryphal theories out there. In modern times however, February 14 has just about been universally accepted as “Lover’s Day” – what is yet unclear is if the “love” in question is off the romantic or normal “brotherly- sisterly” or “motherly-fatherly” kind. Popular opinion learns ever so heavily towards romance.
There is a great many people who question the relevance of St. Valentine’s Day; especially where it concerns the idea of it being a day exclusively for romantic lovers. Not surprisingly, the most vitriolic of the criticisms come from the religious sector.
.Amongst the many arguments against St. Val’s is the claim of it originally being a day for pagan worship of some sorts...whatever happened to moving on! Yes, it may have been a day to mark some pagan festivities (or so says many a popular legend)...but that was in the past; borrowing words from the youthful vocabulary of these days, I think it’s safe to say St. Valentine’s Day has been “pimped” or “upgraded” as the case may be.
A very much less venomous argument against St. Valentine’s is the school of thought that believes that love should be an “everyday thing” and not a mere one day for lovers to embark on a public display of affection. While this line of argument is not entirely wrong or right for that matter; but in this world where all our thoughts are consumed by addressing one problem or the other and everything is like a race against the clock, how many couples actually take time out to treat themselves with the attention, affection and care that relationships need to grow? How many times do we see couples hold hands, eat together, exchange gifts or have a quiet time to reflect on their lives together, chit-chat and have good, hearty laughs on the average “ordinary” day? Some people don’t even call their partners...no time to see each other, no time for outings. Particularly in Naija; where it usually takes a special occasion (birthdays, anniversaries etc) for people to do anything out of the ordinary.
This for me, more than anything else, is one reason why the importance of St. Valentine’s Day cannot be undermined. At the very least, for a handful of hours in one day in a year, some couples will be forced to make out that time for each other and celebrate it in their own special way.
From a moral stand-point, it is rather saddening to see the way many people (predominantly youths and teenagers) have chosen to commemorate the day with all sort of perverse activities not befitting of the purpose of the day. But otherwise, why else should there not be a “Lovers’ Day”!!? A day specially set aside for TRUE LOVERS all around the world to call their own. A day where the spirit of TRUE LOVE is upheld and celebrated in the eyes of all, in the most appropriate of ways suited to the persons involved.
Furthermore, there is practically a universally recognized day, week or month for just about everything else on the face of the planet from sensible to the downright absurd...Mother’s Day, International Women’s Day, HIV-AIDS Day, Darwin Day, World Forest Day, World Book Day, Mental Health Month, Vegetarian Week, Kiss Your Mate Day (believe it or not), April Fool’s Day, International Lesbian’s Day, Ground’s hog Day, Lesbian & Gay Pride Day...and this is only just to mention only a few. So, pray tell, why LOVE shouldn’t have a day of its own!?

Still the one...

Its only been a couple of months, two precisely, since fate stripped my world of you for good but it seems like a lifetime and with each passing day this gulf of emptiness expands a million miles more. The tears are longer in my eyes; they didn’t come easy – never do and even so, in tiny rivulets that ran out too fast and dried up too quickly… but deeper down inside, they still rain in torrents and remind me of what I had so close yet never really possessed; the chest in my care, treasures bequeathed another.

For the better part of “our” decade, I was embroiled in a warfare entirely mine. Me, ferociously fending off that rage that festered within even as the love grew and grew. How could you not see all the love inside of me? For so long I ignored that bitter voice in my head that so desperately wanted to scream at you with the last ounce of air in my lungs, make irrevocably the declaration of my undying love so that you and the entire world will see, hear, know and forever remove any alibi for denial. Was that my mistake!?
Well, all that is gone now and I can’t say what it is I live for these days but there was a time when it was all about you. You were so much more than everything to me; I built my whole world around you, fed off the words from your lips… the apple of my eye, the shine that eclipsed that fiery golden globe called the sun. An awful lot has changed since I woke to find you gone but then again the feelings haven’t. I still dream about you, still long for you by my side…even though you are in the arms of another, you’re still the one!