The Birthday Message...

It was just past midnight and I'd been roused by the alarm on my mobile phone. I didn't need to read the notice on the reminder; it had been there for years. Even when the phone type and model changed, neither the date nor alarm tone was altered. So also the overwhelming mixed feelings that accompany the chimes.

Once upon a time, this used to be a very special day... and it still is; but now in a vaguer, indistinguishable sense which is neither here nor there and yet, somehow, here and then. 
Sweet memories still linger aplenty but then, so are sadder ones, way fresher and glistening clear like waters of a natural spring.
Though we are hardly on friendly terms anymore, I still had to send her the customary message. Old habits die hard and when they become tradition, even harder. So I opened up a new text message page and stared at it without seeing anything. My brain worked away ceaselessly, churning out words that ended on the tips of fingers which were just frozen on the tiny keypad.

My heart wanted the message to echo the wail I'd held inside for so long. She so dearly wanted for me to let her speak; perhaps I would once again reach out to those depths you had said no one had ever come close to until I broke down those walls with a Rose, a Kiss and three words. She wanted you to see my tears in the words. To see a man; mere mortal… frail, fallible but in love!
But my head would have none of it!
He delved deep into the annals of my memory banks for hard proof. Replaying incidents, scenarios from the past, dissecting every detail with the aloof precision of a practiced surgeon. Step by step; applying the laws of logic, “analytics” and reasoning to will that “sentimental cloud” which was slowing creeping up my pectus.

In the end, with these marauding thoughts still brothing inside, my shaky fingers, off their own accord, somehow managed to print out a curt, terse, unrevealing "happy birthday" on the screen and hit "send"!